Before the editing began, who were you?
James Bond made me a psychologist.
I was only seven.
As a family, we were watching the classic 007 movie, You Only Live Twice.
Next, Nancy Sinatra’s song slid in over the opening scenes.
Jolt! It stopped being a Bond film. Became a coded message.
“You only live twice, or so it seems
One life for yourself, and one for your dreams
You drift through the years and life seems tame
Till one dream appears and love is its name
This dream is for you, so pay the price
Make one dream come true…”
My chest tightened.
Instantly knew what the lyrics meant.
We all live two lives. One we show up for. One we abandon.
I’d seen it on many adults around me…that distant look. Thoughts somewhere else. Wandering.
What were they yearning for?
Perhaps that’s why I became a psychologist.
To help people remember their dreams. Reclaim their “other” life.
It’s my story, too.
It’s everyone’s.
In my therapy practice, the clients who look the most composed are often the ones quietly living the most tender double life
Early in our therapy, I often ask them: Who are you, really?
The expressions vary. Annoyance. Silence. Deep sighs. Tears.
Then come the words: “Finally. I am tired of living this way. Let’s do this work.”
Know your “false self.”
It starts early.
The pioneering Swiss child psychologist Alice Miller, named a truth many adults know in their bones.
Sometimes the self we show the world isn’t the self we are.
We live a double life.
The false self isn’t fake.
Isn’t manipulation.
Isn’t pretending.
It begins with a child who keeps hearing messages like:
Don’t need too much.
Don’t show your feelings.
Don’t disappoint them.
Be impressive.
Be useful. Be good. Be easy…
Slowly, without noticing, the child trades the true self for approval.
They become what the room needs.
The helper. The achiever. The peacemaker. The brilliant one. The invisible one.
Hungry for love
The false self begins when a child’s real feelings are “too much” for adults.
Maybe a parent is fragile. Depressed. Violent. Absent.
Maybe love arrives only when the child performs.
So the child learns to scan…
What do they want from me?
What mood are they in?
How do I stay safe?
From the outside, it looks like maturity.
From the inside, it feels like disappearance.
Left behind?
That child grows up.
Now they’re a leader. A parent. A partner. A success story.
But the original self is still behind…
The false self looks polished in adult life. And it’s taxing you.
You say yes when you mean no.
Smile when feeling furious.
Show confidence while feeling shaky.
At work
You over-function and confuse overdrive with excellence.
You keep proving your worth because you feel an emptiness inside.
You are impressive and feel trapped by the identity others admire.
In relationships
You monitor tone. You avoid conflict.
You become pleasing, useful, and agreeable.
Privately, you are resentful.
You are admired. Needed. Respected.
With an empty heart and an aching soul.
Depression often arrives when the performance no longer holds.
The body says: enough.
The smile drops. The energy disappears.
The old ambitions lose their taste.
You keep thinking, “What’s wrong with me?”
Come home
“You’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.”
— Glenda the Good Witch, The Wizard of Oz
Let me ask you, ”What part of you has been silent for too long?”
Anxiety lives in such a silence.
The false self is always managing impressions. Expectations. Others’ moods.
No wonder you can be admired by many and still feel insecure.
So, before you speak, you edit.
Before you want, you edit.
Before you feel, you edit.
After years of editing, you forget your own original story.
Healing begins with a different question.
Not, how do I become better?
But, who did I have to become to be loved?
What did I hide to belong?
What feelings did I exile to stay acceptable?
What truth has been waiting underneath my success?
The false self isn’t your enemy.
It has protected you. (Needs to be appreciated)
It got you through your family. The marriage. Office politics. The manager.
And…the false self was never meant to be your whole life.
You’re done with it.
Now, your real self must be invited back.
Start with a real no. A real yes. A real grief. A real desire.
A real boundary.
A sentence spoken without apology.
This is where depression becomes a doorway.
Anxiety becomes a signal.
Go from the self you abandoned and…come home.
Welcome!
Check in with yourself: Who are you, really?
Settle into your body. Notice your breath. Notice that you are here.
Then ask yourself, slowly: Who am I?
Answer with: I am… (then fill in the gap. Take as long as you need. Don’t overthink.)
Do this seven times.
Write each answer down. Don’t edit. Let the real sentences come.
Your answer may surprise you!
If this blog stirred you, pay attention.
That’s the self you abandoned, knocking at the door.
You don’t have to answer it alone.
I work with leaders, creators, and quietly-tired achievers who are ready to come home to themselves.
You can change your patterns.
Contact me for a free Leader Clarity Call.
30 minutes. Explore how you’d live and lead better through our work together.
This conversation changes everything.
Dr. Ardeshir Mehran
Learn more: Therapy & Testimonials
A psychologist, depression and trauma expert, and leadership coach. Many see depression as an immovable cause. Ardeshir busts this myth and focuses attention on the real culprit: unfulfilled lives and the denial of our inner truth. Depression can be reliably healed.
BONUS:
- See a beautiful poem video (1.5min) on homecoming: “Love after Love” by Derek Walcott (read by Helena Bonham Carter).
- See my recent blog on the wisdom of anger, as a fuel for claiming your true self: Smiling, Helpful, Quietly Resentful.
Love Always,
-Ardeshir
Dr. Ardeshir Mehran
hello@ardeshirmehran.com
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Bestselling Book: You Are Not Depressed. You Are Un-Finished.
