This is how women and men show their pain.
“To see depression, don’t look for sad expressions. Look for the person who smiles, accommodates, and quietly disappears inside.”
— Ardeshir Mehran
My client was smiling as we started our therapy session.
“I don’t think I’m depressed,” she said. “I’m just tired, a bit exhausted. I’ve forgotten what I actually want.”
Her voice softened at the end of every sentence, as if trying to feel something, finding the right words.
Senior role. Two kids. A “good” marriage. The one everyone leans on.
At home, she didn’t push back. She over-apologized. Then went quiet to keep the peace.
Her husband saw her as calm and steady, she said.
I saw the self-silencing, loneliness, and resentment underneath it.
She was depressed and anxious.
This is where so many relationships begin to quietly drift apart.
The relationship is further strained when a partner is grappling with depression, anxiety, or trauma.
One person feels unseen. The other feels criticized.
One withdraws. The other pursues.
One explodes. The other goes silent.
Both say, “I’m fine.”
Neither is.
Slowly, love becomes daily logistics.
Who picked up the kids? Who paid the bill? Who forgot the thing? Who started it this time?
But beneath the arguments, there is often something much deeper…tender.
Not lack of love. Lack of emotional safety.
Not incompatibility. Unspoken pain.
Not “men are this” and “women are that.”
But two people carrying unmet needs in very different ways.
Not knowing how to reach out…
In my therapy practice, I’ve learned this…
Hurting and healing are contact sports.
When one partner is hurting, the other partner and the family are hurting too.
And…when one begins to heal, their relationships begin to breathe again.
The home softens.
The family steadies.
Love, joy find a way back.
Doing your healing work is consequential.
Because healing is not just personal.
It is relational.
Your positive change will ripple far…
What’s Missing in Your Partner?
What do you notice when your partner says, “I am fine,” but does not look or act fine?
Look closer. It could be depression.
Depression hides under competence. Under composure. Under “I’m fine.”
Depression is often subtle.
Especially in professionals, parents, leaders, and high-functioning people.
Inside, it may feel like getting everything done, but feeling emotionally flat.
Feeling alone beside the person you love.
Being tired of being the strong one.
Living a good life that no longer feels like your life.
Depression is not always sadness.
Depression is deprivation.
It signals emotional starvation.
For connection. For tenderness. For truth.
For being seen. For being wanted.
For being able to say, “This is what I need,” without feeling weak, needy, or rejected.
In relationships, depression often says, “I don’t know how to ask for what I need anymore.”
Depression does not look the same in women and men.
It often shows up in how they hurt, hide, and protect themselves differently.
When Women Hurt
For many women, emotional pain often comes dressed as numbness.
Or resentment. Over-functioning. Exhaustion. Or, “I’m fine.”
Many girls learn early: Be kind. Be pleasing. Don’t need too much. Don’t rock the boat. Keep the peace.
The central emotional wound for many women is often self-silencing.
They feel everything. Then swallow it.
They notice so much. Then minimize it.
They need support. Then apologize for needing it.
“I don’t want to be too much.”
“I don’t want to start another fight.”
“I’ll just do it myself.”
“No one really hears me anyway.”
She may not say, “I’m lonely.”
She may get quiet.
Or sharp. Or tired. Or emotionally unavailable.
Not because she doesn’t love.
Because she has been asking, hinting, carrying, and hoping. And waiting…
MUSIC: Sara Bareilles’ “She Used to Be Mine”
The song beautifully expresses many women’s inner frustration and yearning. Listen to the lyrics, especially when she hits the high note “…bring the fire in her eyes, that’s been gone, but used to be mine.”
How to Support Her
Don’t start with, “Why are you so upset?”
Start with, “I can see something is hurting you. I want to listen.”
Don’t fix too fast.
Don’t defend too quickly.
Don’t make her prove the pain.
Try: “I want to understand, not argue.”
“Where have you felt alone with me?”
“What do you need from me that you have stopped asking for?”
“I may not get it perfectly, but I want to learn.”
Many women soften when they feel heard. Not corrected. Not dismissed. Not managed.
Heard.
When Men Hurt
For many men, emotional pain is often masked as frustration. Or distance. Irritation. Work. Silence.
Inside, the dialogue may sound like: “I’m tired.”
“I’m falling behind.”
“I’m not measuring up.”
“If I slow down, I may feel everything I’ve been avoiding.”
The central emotional wound for many men is often shame.
Not enough. Not strong enough. Not successful enough. Not desired enough. Not respected enough.
He may not say, “I’m hurting.”
He may say nothing.
He may blame, argue, and get angry.
He may retreat into work, screens, projects, ambition, alcohol, affairs, porn, or irritability.
Not because he doesn’t care.
Because he doesn’t know how to express his hurt without feeling exposed or defeated.
MUSIC: Bob Seger’s, “Roll Me Away”
A powerful song that captures men’s inner emotions, ache, and yearning. Listen to the lyrics. Rev up the volume.
How to Support Him
Don’t start with, “What’s wrong with you?”
Start with, “You seem far away. I miss you.”
Don’t push him into an admission.
Invite him into safety.
Try: “I’m not here to attack you. I want to understand what’s been heavy for you.”
“You don’t have to have the perfect words. Just tell me what’s been hard.”
“I know anger may be easier than sadness. But I want to know what’s underneath.”
“I still respect you. I just want to feel close to you again.”
Many men open up when they feel valued. Not interrogated. Not diagnosed. Not shamed.
Supported.
Heart to Heart
We walk together in love, pain, and in…homecoming.
The fact is, men and women cope differently.
But the longing underneath is the same.
Both want to be seen, heard, wanted. To feel safe.
To feel admired for who we are, not just what we do.
Most couples don’t fall apart because they stop loving each other.
They fall apart because they stop knowing how to reach each other.
Partners in plans. Strangers in pain.
Every relationship needs truth.
When they say “I’m fine,” believe the body instead.
The flat voice, the tired eyes, the silence in the room.
The body tells the truth before the mouth can.
That is where the relationship begins pulsating again.
Just listen…
Sometimes healing begins with one sentence: “I don’t want us to keep pretending, can we talk?”
Because maybe she’s not fine. Maybe he’s not fine. Maybe neither of you is.
But maybe that is not the end.
That is where a relationship gets…honest again.
Contact me if you want a richer, more honest, more alive relationship with yourself and your loved ones.
DM me for a free Clarity Call.
30 minutes. Explore how you’d live and love better through our work together.
This conversation changes everything.
Dr. Ardeshir Mehran
Learn more: Therapy & Testimonials
A psychologist, depression and trauma expert, and leadership coach. Many see depression as an immovable cause. Ardeshir busts this myth and focuses attention on the real culprit: unfulfilled lives and the denial of our inner truth. Depression can be reliably healed.
Love Always,
-Ardeshir
Dr. Ardeshir Mehran
hello@ardeshirmehran.com
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Bestselling Book: You Are Not Depressed. You Are Un-Finished.
