A distressed mother. An anxious daughter. How could I help?
Recently, I met with a mother who sought my advice about her teenage daughter’s mental health. What caught my attention when we met was her energy, the intensity of her eye contact, and her perspiring and very firm handshake.
After publishing my book, I fully launched my therapy practice, focusing on high achievers. As a former leader myself, I understood their world and emotional basics and felt qualified to deliver strong results.
Then…life found me. Parents began contacting me. They were drawn to my message of hope and sought better and faster mental health solutions for their children. I gladly began supporting them.
When I met with the aforementioned mother, she looked overwhelmed as she shared her story. Her daughter was anxious, had panic attacks, was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, ate very little, and exercised excessively. She was seen by multiple specialists and was on medication. The mother added, “Things look out of control. Do you have any advice for me?”
“The most profound thing we can offer our children is our own healing.” —Ann Lamott
I asked about her daughter’s health, therapies, routines, and interests and explored their family interactions and rituals.
I saw a different pattern.
Then, I asked the mother, “How would your daughter candidly describe the emotional atmosphere of your family?” She looked annoyed and intrigued and asked me to elaborate.
I shared that children are like a mirror, reflecting the family’s emotional undercurrents.
Children express through illness what they suppress.
The modern psychology of trauma, including my own research, show that emotional struggles (e.g., anxiety, panic attacks, depression, OCD, ADHD, etc.) are adaptive responses to overwhelming and stressful family environments.
“My sense is that your daughter’s struggles are proportional to entrenched family, school, and peer dynamics. Her illness is a cry for help. The biggest gain will probably come from re-setting your family’s overall emotional atmosphere, particularly a richer sense of emotional connection,” I added.
I suggested starting with examining their family’s felt sense of “anxiety and control.” Anxiety is a barometer of the level of control. The higher the level of family anxiety (e.g., boundaries, finances, jobs, parental relationship, health), the higher the levels of control (e.g., scolding, withholding, shame, blame, dismissiveness, threat, punishment). The opposite of control is guidance, engagement, and role modeling.
Next, I shared my work on The Bill of Emotional Rights. We conducted a quick back-of-the-napkin assessment of her family and daughter on the seven dimensions of emotional fulfillment. It was eye openingfor her. Her family and daughter ranked low on four dimensions: I Belong, I Am Complete, I Matter, and I Am, in that order.
By the end of our meeting, the mother looked lighter, more reflective, and resolute.
In subsequent meetings with her and her husband, we discussed family practices for better emotional connections and engagement for their daughter, and ways to lower anxiety and control.
The last I heard, their daughter seemed less anxious and looked happier, with improved health and eating habits.
Question for you: “How does it ‘feel’ to be in YOUR family?”
DM me if you want to assess your family’s emotional patterns. The data could be a game changer.
With love and gratitude,
Dr. Ardeshir Mehran
hello@ardeshirmehran.com
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