Why women’s pain lasts longer and gets missed, even by the women carrying it.
“There’s nothing like a physical pain to keep your mind off your emotional pain.”
— John E. Sarno, MD
My therapy client was a female leader, successful, always composed
She leaned forward and said: “Honestly, I’m fine. Just feel stuck and frustrated. My shoulders, neck, forehead, and thighs all have this lingering throbbing ache. Doctor, rheumatologist, tests, everything’s normal. Take Advil for my pain. Why do I still hurt?”
Her pain was real, and no scan could pinpoint the source.
It was more than physical pain.
I’ve had a version of this exchange with many female clients.
What was going on?
About 50 million Americans live with chronic pain. Women are disproportionately affected.
Why do so many women carry more pain than men?
Women are not weak.
They are not dramatic.
They are not “too sensitive.”
There are at least three important reasons. And understanding them opens the door to a better recovery.
1. There are real biological differences in how pain resolves.
Yes, biology matters.
A study highlighted in The New York Times suggests that women’s pain may last longer than men’s because pain resolution appears to happen faster in men.
Researchers linked the difference to monocytes, IL-10, and androgen-related immune signaling.
In plain English, men may have a stronger built-in immune “off switch” for certain inflammatory pain.
Women may have less access to that specific pain-calming pathway, which could help explain why pain sometimes lingers longer for them.
That does not mean women are weaker, exaggerating, or bad at coping.
The data suggest there may be a real biological gender difference in how pain and inflammation resolve, leading to better, more tailored treatment.
But biology is only part of the story.
2. Many women have learned to be “nice” but not “real.”
As a psychologist, I often sit with women who look composed on the outside but are in physical and emotional pain and numb on the inside.
Often, there is a familiar story underneath it all.
They share a story about a bright, sensitive, precocious young girl who, somewhere along the way of life, lost herself.
The young girl who discovered that being loved, accepted, or successful often meant being nice, agreeable, and patient.
So…she silenced her needs.
Swallowed her anger.
Took care of others.
Kept performing.
She waited for her turn. And waited…
Meanwhile, her body carried the cost.
Tight jaw. Gut issues. Fatigue. Shallow breathing.
Physical pain. Numbness. Rigid posture.
A cold emptiness she cannot quite name.
When a woman over-gives, over-functions, and over-silences herself for too long, pain often grows in that soil.
Her body begins to express what her real self has not felt safe enough to say.
Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or emptiness also emerge.
When working with female clients, I sometimes ask, “When was the last time you said no, without apologizing for it?”
This question redirects the therapy flow. In that pause, she begins to uncover long-held feelings and reclaim a more honest voice.
3. Women and men deal with hard emotions differently.
In general, women and men tend to protect themselves from emotional pain in different ways. Patterns often shaped early in life.
WOMEN often protect attachments or approval.
Women are more likely to self-silence and over-accommodate.
They may hide anger, mute needs, and stay connected by adapting.
Women’s common defenses: Internalizing & blaming self
Examples: Self-silencing, people-pleasing, over-accommodating, rumination, guilt, internalizing anger, staying “nice,” and managing everyone else’s feelings.
MEN often protect authority or ownership.
Men are more likely to detach, distract, or defend through control.
They may hide vulnerability, detach from feelings, and stay in control by shutting down or acting out.
Men’s common defenses: Externalizing & blaming others
Examples: Avoidance, emotional shutdown, irritability, over-control, work and performance issues, addiction, minimizing vulnerability, and externalizing anger.
These are predictable patterns, not rules. They help explain why women’s pain is often quieter, more internal, and easier to miss, even by the woman herself.
A Better Way Forward
We need a fuller appreciation of women’s pain.
Medicine asks important questions:
Where is the inflammation?
Where is the lesion?
Where is the biomarker?
Those questions matter.
But we should also ask:
What is her pain trying to say?
Because sometimes pain is not only a symptom.
Sometimes it is also a signal.
A signal that says:
This is too much.
You are carrying too much alone.
You have been grieving and calling it stress.
Your body is holding the “no” that your life has not allowed you to say out loud.
Many women were trained early to override themselves.
And then the body starts speaking louder.
This is the part medicine often misses.
Women do not only need better pain treatment.
They also need more permission:
To tell their truth.
To have needs.
To stop calling depletion normal.
To feel anger without shame.
To listen to their bodies before their bodies have to scream.
That is where healing often begins.
Not by treating the body like a system that failed.
But by listening to it as if it has been trying to protect you.
Because…underneath the pain, there is often a woman who has been loyal to everyone except herself.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Resolving your emotional and physical pain isn’t about fixing you.
It’s about living your truth.
If you’re successful, composed, and quietly burnt out and in pain, this is exactly the work I do.
Contact me for an exploratory call.
BONUS:
Jaw, Shoulders, Chest, Gut: Where Are You Holding Tension?
Your body keeps a diary of your truth. Learn to read those three tension zones and you’ll know what “I’m fine” could be really hiding.
Fly Free Forever: After the Fire, Love Still Remains. Listen to Podcastor Watch YouTube:
When a plane crash turned a former tech executive into a caregiver and then a widow, she discovered a bigger and bolder life.
Dr. Ardeshir Mehran
Psychologist . Depression, anxiety, and trauma expert . Leadership coach
Learn more: Therapy & Testimonials
Love Always,
-Ardeshir
Dr. Ardeshir Mehran
hello@ardeshirmehran.com
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